Paul Brozyna

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At a complete loss at what I am supposed to do.

Sensation of guts being put through the wringer...

Doubled medication and signed off for two weeks.

Stop telling me I'm a nice guy, I've heard it for the last twelve years and it's just getting hurtful now.

And here was me all set to run around in a great big suit of powered armour and then I go and remember about Deadpool...

So basically I did what people keep telling me to do, I spoke to a girl. I got to know her and asked her out. She was shy, I was shy, plus it's the work place so you want to keep this sort of thing low key. Plus I have behaved, even when driving and giving lifts.

We've been getting to know each other and I've had a lot of help from a friend, who as a female has been able to give me support, advice and test the water behind the scenes so to speak, which could best be described positive to "go for it!"

It seemed to be going well, differances of course but shared interests that got us both talking. We set a date for friday, low stress, chat over a drink away from work sort of thing. I was on a high, it marked a turn around. I didn't expect anything but I was very encouraged, I dared to hope.

And then I get the "I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I'm not currently looking for anything serious, but let's be friends...sorry."

Not happy.

Actually.

Devastated.

What is the fucking point?

Why do I get fucked around like this, why has every experience I have ever had involving the opposite sex resulted in nothing but fucking pain?

Why do I get people saying complementay things about me and actually taking the time to work me out only to twist my fucking nuts off?

And why the fuck does every reason I hear sound like it's been copied from a fucking book or TV show?

My Dad just offered to pay for me to join a dating agency.

WTF?

http://uk.pc.ign.com/dor/objects/18954/mech-warrior-project/videos/mechwarrior_trl_phoenix_70709.html

As I said to a customer, "If you wanted your sins forgiven you should have gone to a church."

YOU THEIVING BASTARDS!!!!

Ok that's it, I'm officially sick of everything. I sit here running out the clock achieving sweet fuck all, lonely, with no one and nothing to motivate or stimulate me to anything worthwhile, getting nothing but challenge, difficulty, derision and outright contempt from the people whose job it has been for the last twenty nine fucking years to the the exact goddamned opposite. I have a remarkably shit job which pays bugger all, takes up too much time and is like being crushed under a big, flat stone. I haven't had a relationship or intimate encounter in just over a year since the last (first, and only) disintegrated leaving me with massive emotional fallout a huge dent to my already limited sense of self worth, more dissapointments than I can count and countless hours spent on wishing and fantasising for some form of reprise. I am depressed, frustrated, furious and every goddammned second is either a frustration, an endurance or completly wasted. I think about death regularly to the point that it colours every moment of my experience, I actually found myself having panics where I looked for somewhere to run. I look at the darkness in my room and all the next day is is another one I will never get back that is being pissed up the wall.

Played Mad World on the wii today, brutal fun, though probably the best bit is the running commentary from Greg Proops and John Dimaggio. Hearing the voice of bender shout at the top of his voice

"NO MEANS YES! YES MEANS ANAL!!!"

Almost makes it worth having to put up with the existance of wiifit...

Also Ghostbusters on the 360 is fucking heaven, if you are in anyway a fan raise a big fuck you to Sony and order it from the US, it really is that good, funny as hell and great to see the original cast doing such a good job and clearly enjoying it.

Since I won't pay the inflated launch price for Prototype, we'll give it a couple of weeks and thrash the shit out of Crackdown again (well Mandell the game really...) God I love the game, free running with a homing missile launcher and giving a new and more through meaning to the the concept of the gang beatdown. Sequels comming too SQUEEEE!!!

Wow, Mitchell and Webb have had a bit of a budget increase.

A live action version of Blood: The Last Vampire?

Exsqueezeme?

Ok, fine why not.

Right, fine I'll build the armour and then I'm going to take the thunder hammer and I am going to stick it right up your arses..

This game has always been in the back of my mind since Tom Jewell mentioned going to the first one two years ago, and finally, finally I get an email today linking me here;

http://www.mandalalrp.co.uk/event_detail.asp?eventID=29

I now has place.

In an odd confluence of events I've been building a space suit for stargate so this will make for an interesting prototype.

Anyone else interested in some tense hard sci-fi horror?

One of these days I will play a cuaracter that doesn't get called a lunatic...

Whating random TV and waiting for cast from BSG to turn up.

He's even dodgy in Ruth Rendel Mysteries and called Guy...

My capacity to waste bank holidays, weekends and free time in general is now causing me some really serious vexation.

I have shit to do, really cool shit, stuff I enjoy and am good at, but can I drag myself out of the sack to actually do any of it?

Can I bollocks.